even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize