Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
