Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
