one might say we're banned from that church
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
This is my gift to your gina
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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