I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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