my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Found your dick twin last night
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
