she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
