I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Everyone says I win the strip club
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
