even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
