Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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