I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Even my vagina gasped.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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