I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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