I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
