I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You work out of a Hotel?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
