Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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