So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
