Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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