Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
