Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Houston, we have a squirter
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
