it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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