Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Walk of Shame today included voting.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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