bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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