Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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