I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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