I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
