If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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