She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
