Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
