This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
