EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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