I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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