I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think your dad took our porno
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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