i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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