Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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