she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
