I just made out with a guy for $7.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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