I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
