if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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