Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
