I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I currently don't understand fingers.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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