My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
