....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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