Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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