I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
