did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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