just survived the first fart of the relationship.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
