I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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