feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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