I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
