If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
