No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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