mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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