I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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