just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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