i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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