Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Swine flu. Run for my life!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
