just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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