I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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