Me. At least after what I've been through.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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