You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
