Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
