this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
