Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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