No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
