he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
this just has baby written all over it
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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