Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
