woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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