I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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