I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She's the barista slut.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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