i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
