Rock
Scissors
Fuck
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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